New year. New perspective. New outlook.
It has been a long time since I posted. It has been a long time since I have kept up with everyone else’s postings. There are reasons for this, including the fact that my computer has caught a virus. I haven’t been able to figure out what to do about that, and those in my life who might be helpful are busy.
That’s not the only reason.
I did get the new job. I will officially begin on Wednesday the 4th. I have mixed feelings about it.
What it has meant is that I have treated this holiday season as a vacation, more or less. I have done very little. I put everything together for Christmas. I cleaned everything up from Christmas. I have taken my mom to doctor appointments. I met friends for lunch. Other than just a short time with work, I have done nothing. My computer isn’t working, you see. I cannot do work on Husband’s computer. I have kept up with emails and checked facebook once in a while. Otherwise, I have read books, went to a movie with my mom, and napped a bit.
I have also spent quite a bit of time just THINKING.
Even when I have not consciously realized that I was thinking, I believe that I’ve been thinking subconsciously.
Today, New Year’s Eve day, I believe that I have come to some conclusions……about my life.
Perhaps it has been the post-holiday letdown, but I have come to realize how I am not living my life happily.
About three years ago, I was in the hospital and had an allergic reaction to morphine. I coded-meaning that I completely stopped breathing and the nurse had to call a “code blue” for doctors to rush to revive me. After I “died” and was resuscitated, I had made a promise to myself to live my life, rather that just go along in my life. Then, my sister died very suddenly and at a relatively young age. I again told myself that she would want me to live my life, not just slide through, wasting whatever time that I may have left. I felt determined to live my life to the fullest.
After two whacks on the head, you would think that I would have taken it seriously.
But I have not made any real changes in my life. I have been just moving through life; and I have not been particularly happy. I certainly have not lived my life to the fullest.
Then a friend posted a saying on his blog which he titled “A Reminder About Life”. This is something that I’ve seen before, and which I have claimed to have agreed with-but have not followed. I think that seeing this got my brain working on the changes I need to make in order to live my life as I hope to live what is left of it. Happily. Fully. With passion.
I don’t feel comfortable in getting into details here, but let me just say that there are large areas of my life which have left me particularly unhappy. I don’t believe that anyone who is close to me realizes to what extent. I don’t think even I have acknowledged to myself to what extent. Until today. It feels almost as though a long dreary gray sky has cleared.
No more. I am going to take steps to understand what I have been doing, and how to take steps to make the needed changes. I hope to find help in becoming brave enough to do the hard work that will be necessary to make huge changes in my life at this age. Will an old dog learn new tricks?
There was a time several years ago when I was nearly ready to do this, but never followed through. Today I have felt so much more resolute. I am disappointed that due to the holiday weekend, I cannot take action for a few days. I only hope that I am still convinced that I must go forward by the time I can actually do something concrete.
It may be some time before I get back on track with this blog. My computer is going to be out of commission for quite a while apparently, and I will be quite busy with the new job duties. But I will try to get back to everyone as soon as possible. I need your friendship and support.
Especially now……as we enter this new year and I hopefully move into a new version of my life.
Happy New Year!
2012 should be interesting, as we say around here.