It’s 2:30 am.
I can’t sleep.
I have been lying awake for 2 hours. I slept for 2 hours, awakened, and have not been able to go back to sleep.
This is something that I have struggled with off and on for years. Recently, I thought I had it beat. There was a period of several weeks that I slept right through the night, or if I woke up I fell right back to sleep.
My brain will not turn off, no matter how I try. Believe me, I have been trying.
I’ve been trying to picture myself in a relaxing place, that usually works in falling asleep. But the relaxing beach must be closed. I just can’t find it tonight.
I sit up. That usually helps. Nope. I lie back down. Fluff the pillow. Turn over. Turn the other way. Feet out of the covers. Covers off. Sit up. Repeat.
Nope. Still awake.
My knee hurts. Bend it one way. Straighten it out. Bend it half-way. Still hurting.
Merle’s cpap has been blowing on me. I hate having things blowing on me. Usually I can turn my back to him and hide under the covers. Not working tonight. The sound of the damn thing is like a wind machine. I’ve told about sleeping with Darth Vader in the past.
The dog is lying on the bed. He must feel cold. It has been cold the past few nights. Shove him farther down the bed toward the feet. He makes a little noise, but he moves. He is asleep again right away. I however, am not.
I have a case on my mind. A young woman whose life situation is so horrible that it has been tearing me up. I am not sure why I think that I know more than all of the other people involved in her case, but I do. They are all idiots. It appears to have become my responsibility to save her. I have to make a presentation on her case tomorrow to try to convince others that I am right and all of those others are
wrong well-meaning but misguided. See, I didn’t say they were idiots…..that is how far I have come in my mind as I have been lying awake. I tell myself I can’t do anything more about this tonight. I know what I will say tomorrow, I have it planned out in my mind. Now I should sleep, I tell myself. Myself is still not listening.
When this happens to me, my mind just goes on a linear rampage…..thoughts move from one thing to another with no obvious relation between these things. I have been mulling over (and over) my garden, reviewing my plans for an upcoming weekend with the granddaughters, imagining the details of an upcoming medical procedure, replaying a scenario from work today, considering a situation Merle told me about earlier tonight, looking forward to a “girls’ weekend” that I am trying to plan with some friends, picturing my calendar for the next week (I actually see a picture in my mind of a calendar, with items written on each day), reminding myself to make an appointment for the dog groomer, reminding myself of some bills that need to be paid, phone calls that need to be made tomorrow, rereading in my mind a letter that was sent by a cousin (yes, I see the letter in my mind and read it again), wondering how far daughter and future sil have made it in their car trip/move across half the country, and planning what I should wear tomorrow (it is down to two possibilities).
That summarizes my thoughts in the first 5 minutes of lying awake.
After two hours, I finally gave up and came in to check the computer. I am sitting here, dog at my feet (oh my, he ate something today that did not agree with him….no wonder he wants to sleep all cuddled up with us. Can a smell keep you awake?) and trying to write myself tired. It is not working. I am still wide awake.
Those who will read this are most likely sleeping right now. Or, those whose tomorrow is already in process slept well while I was working yesterday. When I think about sleep, my thoughts are rather objective.
It is rather odd, really, that we sleep. Every day, no matter what animal species, we all sleep in some manner. We stop everything, find an appropriate spot, and sleep. We humans have built rather elaborate places for sleep, almost altars to show our reverence for sleep. I have such a place. I love sleep. Really.
And yet, I can’t sleep.
It is now nearly 3:30 am.
Wow, I am going to be so tired in the morning.