My life has now officially entered a new phase.

As a parent, I always dreaded receiving that phone call from the school telling me that there was a problem, an accident, or an issue. I only had a few of those calls over the years as my three children moved toward adulthood. The last one was when my oldest was in college.

Now that my mother’s care is my responsibility, my apprehension about the dreaded phone calls has shifted to her. I now dread the phone calls from her assisted living facility (a.l.f.), telling me of problems, accidents and issues.

And this week I received one of those calls.

My mother has an irregular heartbeat. As a result, there is an increased chance of blood clots forming during the delays between those heartbeats. That is what happened when she had her stroke a few years ago. Since then, she has been taking a blood thinner to reduce the chances of another blood clot.

This week, I received a phone call from the a.l.f. telling me that she had fallen in her bathroom. They said that she was fine, she had no injuries as a result of the fall. I was relieved, but went to see her after work that day. She told me the long, detailed story of how she fell, and seemed just fine. No bruises, no pain, no confusion. She did tell me that she hit her head when she fell.

Somewhere in the back of my mind a bell rang. Head bump. Blood thinner.

Bad.

I called her doctor’s office for an appointment for the next day. He was completely booked, but they gave me an appointment with my doctor for her.

My doctor and I go way back. She knows me well. She agreed that there was a concern, and ordered a CT scan at the local hospital. The hospital told us they couldn’t get her in until the following morning. I took my mom home with plans to take her to the doctor in the morning. I called my office and found back-up coverage for all of my court hearings for the next day.

Shortly after I returned home, I got a call from the hospital telling me that the doctor insisted that they do the scan that evening. Merle and I picked up my mom again and off to the hospital we went.

We found out that there was a hemorrhage in the brain from that fall. The blood thinner makes such a bleed much more likely. So we were sent to the local hospital’s ER, then they sent my mom to the big city hospital ER, which then admitted my mom to the ICU. The bleeding needed to be stopped, so they gave her treatments to counteract the blood thinners. She also had a very low blood pressure and a low heart rate, so there have been many adjustments to her medications. She is being discharged this morning if all goes as planned.

While in the hospital, she still had no symptoms. She loved being in the hospital. She is a retired nurse, and that environment is like home to her. Throughout this entire ordeal, she has been more animated and engaged with people than I have seen her in months. She “entertained the troops” as I described it to my children. Cracking jokes,  Learned all about each nurse, tech and cleaning staff person. She knows their life stories, and tells us about them when we visit. Sarah and her boyfriend of 7 years live together in a house they own jointly. Kristy is a student nurse who has been shadowing Mallory since January, but yesterday was her last day-she will be getting a new job this summer.  Amazing for a woman who has a challenge in remembering her great-granddaughters’ names at times.

In any event, it has been a trying few days. And on top of it all, Merle’s uncle died late last week, and we have a funeral to attend later this week.

When it rains, it pours. Or, as is more appropriate for here, when it snows, it is a blizzard.

***********

Update on weight loss challenge there has been no weight loss this past week, but at least there was no weight gain, either….I stayed the same. A victory for me.

Hip, Hip, Hurra, 1888 Public domain, Image via Wikipedia

Today would have been my father-in-law’s 100th birthday.

Here’s to you, Paul!

It makes me think about my life. Will I make it to 100? If not, will there be anyone who will remember me and lift a glass to me on my 100th?

My only wish if I were to make it to 100 is that I be aware enough to celebrate it, and be healthy enough to raise a glass.

If not, then go ahead without me and raise the glass to my memory. I’d prefer that.

My f-i-l died at age 86. He outlived his wife by over a decade.  Although he struggled with diabetes and high blood pressure, he worked to keep his weight down and stayed relatively active. He died one morning sitting in the chair next to the bed while he was putting on his socks.

He was still living in the home that he and my mother-in-law had designed and built in the early 1980′s, a modern loft-style home with many stairs.

It’s now been 13 years since his death.

His grandchildren remember him. His great-grandchildren never met him.

So in one generation there will be no one left in the world who knew him. There will only be stories, no direct memories.

And in one more generation, that will be true for me as well, and that’s if I am lucky.

The granddaughters’ memories have not yet become fixed. If something were to happen to me tomorrow, they would not have any memories of me at all, unless the oldest had a foggy recollection of her Ga.

Merle and his brother spend hours talking about their family history, trying to figure out what this person was thinking when he quit his job, or why their grandfather married their grandmother, an older woman. All of the answers to their questions are gone with the generations before them.

When those in the future hear about me, I want to know what they will be told. “She went to law school at night, had a day job, and children at home”, “She and grandpa were always short on money, but we never realized it, because we never wanted for anything”, “She was taller than grandpa, but he didn’t care. She had more schooling than grandpa-he supported her all the way”, “She was good at her job and she was a good mom”, “Back then, women were still doing most of the work on the job and at home, but she and grandpa shared almost everything’.

Sorry, I probably won’t be leaving behind anything of much financial value. No cash, no big investments, no family heirlooms.

The legacy I hope to leave:

“She really loved all of us”

.

Because in the end, nothing could be better than that.

It’s the first week of March. In many places, that means that it is spring.

Not here.

The blogs that I read have photos of gardens with the plants poking their heads up through the dirt.

Dirt? We haven’t seen dirt since November. Here, the closest we’ve come to dirt are the chunks of our front yard pulled up by the snowplow and deposited alongside the street.

The snow has only one redeeming quality in my opinion. It is beautiful.

Over the past two days we have had 9 inches of the white stuff. Schools were closed today. Merle’s boss told him not to attempt his normal one-hour commute. He took a vacation day. I was home sick with the second day of a migraine. So we had a snow day.

He went out to plow out the driveway around 3 pm. Otherwise, neither of us have been out of the house, and don’t plan to be until tomorrow morning

When he was out, he took photos of our stream and the river. It really was beautiful, I admit.

The stream between our house and the main river channel after the fresh snowfall.

The main channel of the river stays open all winter due to a power plant upriver. We have trumpeter swans which migrate here each winter and stay until spring. They are still here (they will leave around mid-March). They were on the river today. Merle was able to capture a photo of them taking off the water. They “walk” on the surface as they get up the speed to fly off.

The swan take-off.

Yeah, gorgeous, I know.

The fact that the daylight hours are longer helps a bit. The fact that daylight savings time starts this weekend is a good thing.

But I am really ready for some dirt. The smell of mud. A plant. Some green.

Hopefully, the “warm” weather that is forecast-highs in the mid-30sF-will melt some of this relatively quickly.

I am ready to March into spring.

*******Update on the weight-loss contest between Mark, Steve, and me*********

No word yet from Mark.

Steve is up 7 lbs, under the guise of a master plan which included this gain. Hmmmm-

I am down 5 lbs from last week, giving me a net overall loss for this contest of 3 lbs.

I’m happy with that step forward.

 

 

 

This past week has been busy. Yesterday was a full day of a continuing education class. Free credits. Food. Close by. Out of the office. Home early.

Win, win, and win.

As I sat there listening to the presenters thump their chests at how great they are and tell stories about “relevant incidents” (it was about courthouse security), my mind began to wander just a bit.

When that happens, my mind wanders and I begin to think of weird stuff. Imagination is a strange and curious thing….

Examples:

What would the (now ex-) Pope look like in jeans and a casual shirt? Do you think he hangs out in his underwear and reads the paper in the morning as he drinks his coffee? Does he ever get drunk and wild? Has anyone taken any pictures of that on a smart phone that might be hitting the internet soon?

Who in God’s green earth would ever WANT to be the Pope? How can there be so many old guys out there who are hoping to be the next Pope?

The fact that I am not Catholic, or even religious perhaps makes those thoughts even more odd.

*******

How could my Congresswoman vote against the VAWA? She is a woman. The statistics for abuse are shy high in this district. Oh, right. Her name is Michele Bachmann. The weirdest person in Congress.

How exactly did I end up in a Congressional district which keeps voting her into Congress, anyway?

********

And on the issue of politics, why is no one screaming at their Congressional reps and Senators about this sequester mess? Are we so numbed by the continuous mindless babbling, the repeated “crises”, the ridiculous political posturing that we have given up?

What person who has sworn to uphold the Constitution and who has vowed to meet an obligation to thousands of constituents would allow these random across the board budget cuts to happen?

Oh,yeah, I forgot. This is 21st century American politics. The only thing that matters is party. And finding a way to claim that your party has “won”.

They should be hanging their heads in shame.

And they should be ashamed enough that they do not take their paychecks until this has been fixed.

ESPECIALLY the Tea Party enthusiasts who are crowing about winning by cutting government spending-no matter where the cuts are made. Cut their salaries and benefits out of the budget first.

I am sure they would support that.

*******

Who plans these continuing ed courses anyway? Does no one realize that when you are sitting at a round table that half of the people will have their backs to the presenters?

Why are adult professionals still as awkward as high school students when sitting at a table with professionals from other areas of the state. I swear that no matter how hard I tried, it was nearly impossible to get past the “Where are you from? And what do you do?”  stage of conversation.

*********

How could Helen Mirren look so awesome with pink hair, and yet I don’t have the guts to even change my hairstyle? I even blogged about my secret wish to be able to do that.

What would the reaction be at the courthouse if I showed up with short pink hair?

Maybe I should do that just before I retire……they might remember me longer.

*********

My neighbor has been busy again this winter. He has been building his ice sculpture. This year,  It is pretty amazing. He has learned how to shape it. It is visible from the freeway, about a mile away. Television and newspaper crews have come out to see it.

Ice Sculpture, March 2, 2013

I really like how the sun shows the darker section of the ice in the center, and the more luminescent edges. One night as I was driving home, it was just before sunset, and the light had a bit of orange…..it was very spectacular shining on the ice. I didn’t have my camera to take that photo. In looking at this, you have to appreciate that those trees are 30 ft. tall. this sculpture is taller than the guy’s three-story home. He makes this by spraying the discharge water from his home’s geothermal heating system onto a frame of wires and steel rods. the ice drips. freezes, builds up. He has built a computer program to control the spray, which rotates on a tall post.  He is going for a Guiness’ World Record this year, but I am not sure what category it would fit.

What drives a person to do something like this? I blogged about his project two years ago-if you check that you can compare it to this year.

*******

As you can see above, we are still in the depths of winter. The sun has lengthened the daylight; even though the sun makes it seem warmer, the high temperatures are only reaching right around freezing each day. I would love to take a winter vacation.

My oldest son and his girlfriend just returned from a one-week, all inclusive vacation to a resort in Cancun. I am his mother, for God’s sake, and I have never had a vacation to a warm place in the winter.

My brother-in-law and his wife have spent the month of February in Fort Meyers, Florida. Now they are on a cruise.

My sister and her husband just returned from a long weekend in Napa, California.

It is just not in the cards for us this year…..like every other year.

Merle has a four-day weekend coming up, and we looked into a quick trip to someplace warm-Texas, California, Florida. We’re not particular.

Then Merle went to the optician to buy glasses. For two pairs, it will cost him nearly $1000.00. We are adults. Eyesight over vacations.

We will be here for the rest of the winter, although I am tempted to just get in the car and drive south. We could stop when we get tired. He is still thinking about that idea.

How far can we get?

 

It was not a great week for weight loss. As part of the competition with Steve and Mark, I must report my progress each Monday. Unfortunately, no progress here……I am hopeful that I can maintain the lead in this “friendly” contest. I haven’t checked their reports yet.

There are reasons  excuses that I have for my backward slide this week.

At the beginning of the week. I tweaked my back while reaching in to get laundry out of the dryer. Bend down, twist and reach…….and then 5 days sitting on a heating pad, eating Advil. As of today, the back  is feeling a bit better. I took a walk with Merle-maybe about 3/4 of a mile, according to him. Seemed much farther than that to me.

A day of so later, I ran out of one of my medications. It took two days to get the prescription figured out between my doctor and pharmacy. In the meantime, I got a migraine. I left work early, went home and went to bed. I felt rough around the edges for two days. Picture:   lying in bed, with a heating pad on my back, the pillow over my eyes to block out light.

This week I will redouble my efforts. I am anticipating better weather, which allows me to be outdoors for walking. I have found a great organic yogurt to keep the calories down.

This week I may have lost a battle.

But the war continues.

I’m determined to win the war.

Okay, Mark a nd Steve, this is your week to pull into the lead-temporarily! Enjoy it while it lasts!!

This week: gained 2 lbs.

Net for contest:   lost 2 lbs.

Blog friend Mark and his nemesis Steve have dived into a very spirited war  contest. They are competing against each other to see which can lose the most weight. So far, from what I can tell from my seat in the peanut gallery, they are both struggling. Despite their best efforts, they are neck and neck (so to speak).

It may be helpful to both of them to mix up this competition a bit. Perhaps they could use a little more serious competition. Maybe if there were to be a third competitor, someone who could push them to a higher level, they would be more successful in reaching their goal.

Or, perhaps that third competitor would leave them far behind, licking their wounds (or the creamy insides of an oreo cookie or two…..).

Now I will admit that I have never met Steve. In fact, until this contest between Mark and him, I had never visited his blog. I have met Mark. I think I have a pretty good idea of the relative strengths of each of them. I am not choosing sides in their little competition.

In fact, I have decided to make it interesting, as my father would say.

Yes, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring. I am officially joining this little game.

Be prepared, gentlemen. You are in the big league now.

Mark and Steve claim to be preparing for world domination.

Really? That is your goal?

I have a REAL goal. A goal that will be certain to motivate me to win.

My daughter’s wedding is on  August 10, 2013. And I plan to dance at that wedding. I am determined to lose the weight necessary to allow me to dance all night if the music is good.

With that goal in mind, I am jumping into their game and am determined to win.

I am not going to tell anyone what my starting weight is, and will only report my losses/gains. It’s my understanding that Mark and Steve are reporting this on an honor system weekly. I will follow that method as well.  As a former Girl Scout, you can trust me to be honest. Really. Truly.

So, Boys——Game on!

They began on Feb. 11th. So I will make my first report: In the past week I have lost 4 pounds.

Last week, a friend and I had a long conversation at work. We have very high stress jobs. He and I have spent quite a bit of time lately having conversations in an attempt to make the days a bit more pleasant. He tells me about his two little girls and his wife—all of whom he adores—and I talk about my family. We also discuss the world and all of the wonders of space, time, mysteries of the world.

In any event, we jokingly began to discuss how we could work together to have me declared disabled. The idea being that he would support my claim that I had a nervous breakdown and was unable to continue in my job.  It was all in fun. You know those kinds of conversations…..he talked about how he could support me in saying that I had a case/client which put me over the edge. I made up a scenario as to how I would act to make it look as though I was losing my ability to function in my job.

He claimed he would just take a 10% cut of the “generous” disability payments which I would no doubt receive on disability. Anyone who knows anything about disability will know the craziness of that.

Bad taste, I know. In our office the “humor” has a tendency to get a bit macabre. Sometimes it is the only way to deal with the hopeless, sad, and frustrating stories we see every day. Public defense work is not for sissies.

Later in the week, I had a dream. In the dream, the scenario we joked about became real. I truly was pushed over the edge by my work. In the dream, all of the feelings of futility, frustration, injustice, and sadness took over. I felt them. My dream included some of the very difficult recent cases that I am struggling with…..the 13 year old sex offender with multiple victims, the 14 year-old runaway girl who ended up with a registered sex offender, the 17 and 14 year-od brothers who reported to school officials that their mother was using drugs, resulting in all of the children being removed from their home; the 16 year-old “mastermind” of a robbery of his drug dealer. In my dream it was all just too much. I couldn’t do it any more.

In the morning, I woke up and went back to work. All of the feelings from the dream were still with me.  As well as a new sense of self awareness.

I had no idea how much all of this was weighing on me.

We tend to just put one foot in front of the other. Wake up each day, go to work, appear in court, talk to the next kid/client, read more reports, handle phone calls from psychologists, social workers, attorneys, parents. Another day. Go home. Spend a little time with the family. Go to bed. Wake up. Do it all over again.

It has been 20 years that I have been doing this job. Most of the time, I represented kids only half time. I also did divorces, custody cases, commitment cases, guardianship and child support. None of those are times that a client is happy to have a lawyer in their life. It is very emotional. There are difficult decisions. Their relationships are topsy-turvy, with friends and relatives choosing sides. And I am often telling them things that they don’t want to hear.

For all of these years, I have been on a tightrope. I have managed to balance it all with generally a positive demeanor, good skill, adequate organization, and minimal cynicism.

And I had no idea of the toll it has been taking on me until a joking conversation brought out all of the feelings in a dream. I have been doing my job and not recognizing how it has been making me feel.

It made mve realize that I am truly near the end of being able to continue to do this work. It is getting more and more difficult each year. Every month, many days.

My employment has an early retirement option. I never seriously considered that I would be interested in it. I have another year and a half before I will qualify.

It has caught up with me, after all. I don’t think that this is just a passing feeling this time.

After these last several days, I have begun to count down the days until I can qualify for the early retirement option.

I have no idea what I will do after that. But I am open to suggestions-the crazier the better!

 

1910 Valeninte Image from Wikipedia

Well, we have been married for over thirty years, so I suppose that I shouldn’t be disappointed if things are not particularly romantic in the traditional manner. But I am. Just a little bit.

Last night Merle brought home a bouquet of (gas station) flowers. This morning he had tucked a card into my purse before he left for work. Nice, I know. But romantic? Ehhh.

The best Valentine’s Day gift I ever received was several years ago. We had moved into our home in January. In all of the moving chaos, we failed to realize that the previous owners had not provided remote controls for the garage door openers. We were reduced to getting out of the car and going into the garage to push the button there to open the door. Pretty much defeated the purpose of an automatic garage door opener-especially in January.

We tend to procrastinate. We continued to use the doors this way during the crazy time of settling into the new house.

On Valentine’s Day morning, when I got into my car (after opening the overhead garage door) I found a new remote control with a red ribbon on it. A Valentine’s Day gift from Merle.

The best ever.

It wasn’t expensive. It wasn’t fancy. It was totally practical.

But it was romantic. He did something especially for me. He had to work to find the thing, make sure it worked, and put it out there as a surprise.

Now THAT shows someone you are special to them.

But that one has had to get us through the other 30+ Valentine’s Days. You can’t make the big gesture every year.

Love you, Honey!

Hey, Kath-

As of today, it has been three years since you’ve been gone. Sometimes it seems so much longer than that. But on some days, it seems like just yesterday that I got the call from John and my world was changed. I learned the true meaning of grief with just one phone call.

There have been a lot of changes in three years. Your Alex is now 17. A very tall and big guy, just as we always pictured. He is so sweet. He has a girlfriend now, with whom he claims to be in love. (Remember 17 year-old love? That was DM for you, right?) Oh, how life would be different if you were here with him. John still seems to be a bit oblivious as a parent. Alex still is willing to chat with me on facebook (can you believe it? I am on facebook!) and doesn’t flinch if I tell him I love him. He doesn’t talk much about his feelings, as I suppose it is with most teenage guys. But he has mentioned how much he misses you.

John hasn’t remarried yet, but he has been dating since just a few months after you were gone. It lasted several months, but now he is dating another person and has for a pretty long time now. I’ve never met her. He doesn’t talk much about her to us. I suppose he is just the kind of guy who needs to be with someone. A bit ironic given that you were about the first woman he dated seriously before he married you at-what-age 30?

Merle and I have two more granddaughters. All three little girls are gorgeous, sweet things. They remind me a lot of the three of us…sisters who fight, argue, love and gang up against the world. N is doing such a good job as daddy-we are very proud of him. The girls still love the costumes you made for them, they love to dress up.

Mom is now 83. She moved near me after your death. It’s been hard for her to be back here in the cold weather after just getting used to Virginia. She still just sits in her room and reads or watches TV. I know you worried about that in Virginia, thinking it was hard for her to be in the South. But it wasn’t that at all. She just seems to feel most comfortable all by herself. I know that it has been very hard for her to lose you. You were always her favorite, no matter what you thought.Merle and I don’t compare to you and John.

Our Big J, still the oldest but not yet settled. He is dating a great woman, named Libby. I am predicting that Big J will marry her, and probably in the next year or so. They are good together. He did end up with a tall woman-just like you always told him he had to do. She keeps him busy, but is very busy and independent herself. You’d really like her.

Elo is getting married in August! Well, to be truthful, she is already married, but will have the ceremony in August. I know how excited you would be about that. She still looks so much like you, and she has so many of your mannerisms. Sometimes it seems as though she is channeling you. She is living in Nebraska, of all places, but will probably end up back in Oregon.We are all missing your input into the wedding. She found a beautiful wedding dress….I know that you’d approve. She is going to look gorgeous. You know how fragile her ego is, and I know that you would be able to make the wedding so special for her. She has mentioned how much she misses you. We will definitely be thinking about you on her wedding day. Her husband is a good guy. Good for her, very supportive and low key, very smart and sensitive to her feelings. It is just too bad that he is shorter than her!

Every day I think of you. Most of the time, it is to share something that I’ve seen, read, or heard about. You and I had those long phone conversations, and now I have no one to talk to on the phone for an hour at a time! I listen to the classical music station at work but I still have a hard time hearing a mezzo soprano-I don’t think anyone’s voice equals yours. I wish I had a recording of you singing.

I still have your last voicemail message saved on my phone. I can’t listen to it, but I always save it. “Press 9 to save this message”. Every 21 days. For three years.

Hopefully, you and dad and D jr. are together. I don’t believe in heaven, but I think that there may be some sort of other dimension, perhaps a parallel universe. It may just be my overactive imagination, but I feel you nearby sometimes.

Tomorrow would be your 53rd birthday. I probably would be sending you a card with a little joke on it about getting old. I never buy those kind of cards any more, because I know that we should consider getting old a gift.

What would you have given to grow old with us?

Happy Birthday, hon. I love you. I miss you.

Your big sister, C.

Satin Sexy V-neck Halter A line Pick up Skirt with Chapel Train Hot Sell Wedding Dress WL-0060 (Photo credit: churcy) This is exactly NOT the type of dress my daughter wanted!

 

We found a dress.

My daughter, my sister, my niece and I shopped the bridal boutiques of suburban Chicago on Saturday and found a dress that met all of my daughter’s requirements. It looks great on her, it is within budget and it can be delivered before August.

She was a trooper. Four appointments. Dozens of dresses. Lots of laughter, wine, beer, food and fun.

A true girls’ weekend, with my daughter on center stage. She survived.

The dress is actually a bridesmaid’s dress. Not the poofy, bling-y shiny things that so many brides seem to want these days. Hers is simple, classy, gorgeous. We were only able to see it in magenta-of all colors-in the store, but she has ordered it in ivory. She is having several alterations made to it, so there is at least one more weekend in Chicago in our future. That one should be less stressful and more fun.

My sister really came through for me. I can’t explain how much it meant to me.

Our youngest sister just seemed to be there with us, somehow. She always felt something special with my daughter. They had many shared interests and they looked alike, even had many similar mannerisms. My youngest sister worked in a bridal store at one point in her life, and had been making bridal head pieces just before her death. One of those had just been featured in Brides magazine at the time of my sister’s death. We all knew how much she would have enjoyed this past weekend had she been alive.

When I arrived home this afternoon, it was to about a half-foot of wet, heavy snow. The roads were wet and slippery, and we barely made it up the driveway to the house. I came in the house, closed the door and haven’t even looked outside since.

As Merle keeps telling me, every day we are one day closer to April. Snow is just a temporary inconvenience at this point.

In no time it is going to be August.

And we will be watching that dress on our daughter as she walks down the beach for her wedding celebration in Montana.