Good/bad

Here I was, feeling just a little better about things this morning.  I don’t know why, exactly.  It was a sunny, warm (for here) morning.  I got a big project put together and was just biding some time until the afternoon when I had to present it.  I decided to do some errands in the extra time that I had.  I stopped to get mail from the po box, I picked up my husband’s prescriptions.  I walked along the sidewalk, said hello to an older man I didn’t know, but who seemed lonely.  I actually had the thought-“that is what my sister would do”. 

Then I went into the bookstore to pick up my special order.

My sister and I had talked about a book she had read.  She loved the book.  It is a memoir, and she said that I would love it, as it was set during the time we grew up.  I had ordered it several weeks ago.  Before she died.

I knew that it would be hard to buy it.  I told the clerk how odd it was to be buying a book that was recommended to me by someone who had recently died, and that this was probably the last book she’d read.  I know the clerk slightly.  I am a regular and it is a small town independent bookstore.  She sympathized, but said it was a good book.  I was still doing okay.  Hard, but I was all right.  I made it into my car.

Then I read the summary/review of the book on the back cover.

It is about a family dealing with the death of her sibling, a brother.  I couldn’t believe it.  My sister never mentioned that part.  It is too weird.  I broke down in tears.  I had to call my remaining sister to share it.  She was at work, and I probably ruined her day.  We have been finding so many odd coincidences and strange things looking back after our sister’s death.  I had to talk to her.  I was supposed to be back for an important meeting in 15 minutes, and there I was in my car, bawling. 

How can my world go from good to so bad in just a flash? How long is this going to continue?  How long can I survive this roller coaster?  It is not the fun sort of roller coaster where you are screaming and laughing at the same time; this is one from hell, with screams of pure panic and fear.  Is there a horror movie about that?  There could be.

The call to my sister calmed me.  I was able to be presentable in 15 minutes.    Did anyone notice?  Well, at least no one said anything to me.

I told my husband the same thing that I told my sister.  He thought it was odd, but he didn’t get it like my sister did.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.

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