Posted by: chlost | July 2, 2010

When you can’t kiss it and make it all better

I’m a mom.  When my children were young, they would come to me when they were hurt, often in tears, to have me kiss their owie.  A simple kiss and hug along with a band-aid usually did the trick. 

My oldest is now 30, a fact that I am still trying to grasp.  Now his hurts are beyond mom’s hugs and kisses.

He has been dating his girlfriend for over two years. She moved into his place last summer.  Today he and I had lunch and he told me that he has asked her to move out. 

He is truly hurting over this.  She has had some major emotional issues.  These issues are serious.  She has reacted with violence against him during an argument.  She has walked out of a restaurant before they ordered, leaving him behind, telling him afterward that she thought he had looked at a woman.  She has demanded that he stop the car along the side of the highway so she can get out. She has disappeared without notice from their home while he was in the shower or out running because she was upset over something that she never told him about. She is beautiful, but not to herself.  She is intelligent.  She’s emotionally damaged by a difficult family situation as she was growing up. She has become attached to our family. 

He was with us on our trip to Oregon.  He was on the phone with her constantly.  We could hear only his side of the conversation, but it was not good.  She was very angry with him because he had not called her often enough, proving that she was not a priority to him ( he called her several times a day).  I realize that he has his own issues-he is pretty oblivious to many nuances-and some pretty obvious things-and is very much like his father in ways that she might have found trying. He can be perfectionistic and obsessive compulsive.

We have been very worried.

Now, the worry has shifted.  I work with people with issues like hers.  There is often a backlash that I don’t believe my son is prepared to handle.  In the past, she has threatened to harm herself. She has a history of cutting when she was young.   He is naive.  He expects the best of people.  He doesn’t understand what has happened and why this hasn’t worked out. It is very hard to just sit and wait and see what unfolds.  I know the possibilities that are out there, and I just hope that he doesn’t have to deal with those. It is a holiday weekend, she has nowhere to go for the immediate future.  She will be there with him for a while.

I want to be able to make it better, and I can’t.  Why is life so hard sometimes?

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Responses

  1. She sounds like trouble. I”m sorry for whatever events have damaged her, but your son will be far better off without her. Bu brace yourself, he’s going to be grieving.

  2. I hope that everything works out well, and quickly for your son, and that hopefully this girl will get herself some help. I gather she does not have any support from her own family?

  3. Thanks so much for posting this. If there is some research material or something printed on this sort of thing, you might make it available to him. Hugs to all of you.

    And thank you too for caring for our family. 🙂

  4. All around it is a very difficult and sad situation. You have my hugs as well. You are a very caring Mother and your love shines through.

  5. You wrote this so forcefully and effectively; we all are gunning for the both of them to be better off, thanks to this difficult decision. And your son WILL be immensely better off, for the rest of his life, without her issues calling his own security into question. She is not the right one. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean she is the right one. From my vast distance, way over here, I can say that I’m relieved for your boy.

  6. You should be very proud of your son to be able to make what is obviously a very heart-wrenching decision. Recall OUR generation was often quick to marry and some feel that this may be why half of our marriages end in divorce.

    I think your son needs to be reaffirmed that he is wise and mature enough to make a difficult, but right, decision. It is very sad for this young woman but she needs to become a whole person herself for her to be an equal partner to another.

    I feel badly for your son, but I am sure you would feel much worse were he to marry this young woman. You son deserves your admiration and, of course, support.


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