Here I am, at the computer again. I am checking emails, looking at the MSN page for news, looking in on the blog.
This is not what I should be doing.
I have to get a project done. I have even had a nightmare, I think it related to my stress over this project. It has been hanging over my head for a long time. I am going to be in BIG trouble if I don’t get it handled.
I can’t figure myself out sometimes.
I don’t want to do it, that is obvious. I have started it several times, but get distracted and end up not finishing it. I know that it is going to take a lot less time to finish it than the time I have wasted avoiding it. It makes no sense whatsoever. But there it is. What’s going on?
I have had some thoughts as to whether this is a sign of depression, directly related to the grief process. I hate to keep going back to that, it begins to sound like a handy excuse for almost everything that is not right for me. But I really don’t remember being like this, at least not to this extent, until fairly recently. It is a little suspicious that I am able to so clinically review the situation and “diagnose” it, while simultaneously continuing the behavior. Am I just lazy and using the death of someone close to me as an excuse for this bad behavior? Pretty pathetic, I’d say.
So, here I go. I promise. I am going to post this and then get right on it. I will. Truly. Really. I will……….
Just My Life 
On a rare serious note, let me say that the Idiot here has suffered from Depression for years. When I am in a down cycle…..nothing gets done…including blogging…or any actual serious chores I need to get done. You are not lazy. While you might realize that you are putting things off, Depression is real good at keeping you from actually doing them. Hang in there! 🙂 Depression will usually always get bored and will move on, allowing you to return to “normal”… Have a good one! (or at least try to….)
By: redriverpak on August 2, 2010
at 8:08 pm
Thank you so much for your support. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. The internet friends I have made are awesome! Idiot-not.
By: chlost on August 3, 2010
at 7:43 am
I think that sometimes just constantly producing can take a toll. Cut yourself some slack and chill a bit. Really, what is the worst thing that could happen? Figure you have earned the right to slack a bit. Works for me!
By: Robert the Skeptic on August 3, 2010
at 12:00 am
Um, yeah, well, if I don’t do it, it really is bad. I have done way too much slacking and chilling, which is the problem.
Anyway, it is now1 AM, I have finally gotten it done…..now I just wait for the revisions round coming up next.
Thanks for the support!
By: chlost on August 3, 2010
at 12:58 am
Glad ya got it done! Now go kick a cat and celebrate! 🙂
By: redriverpak on August 3, 2010
at 11:54 pm
I really identify with what you felt while needing to finish off a piece of work but not being able to get round to it. I do not know whether or not it is depression: with me it seems to happen when I do not feel in control of things. Is that perhaps the same thing as depression? Grief is so tiring and of course, you are not in control of grief at all: I can imagine that a combination of the two is really deadly when you need to do something but just cannot summon up that will and effort. Seems to happen here on a regular basis.
Well done for getting over the ‘hump’: I do hope you feel a little better now. Losing someone close to you completely changes your emotional landscape, making you feel a stranger and bringing with it a certain amount of insecurity, until the landscape becomes rearranged and ‘your own’ again. You have my deepest sympathies.
Be patient and kind to yourself. Grieving takes months, years, not weeks.
By: sweffling on August 4, 2010
at 4:36 pm