Posted by: chlost | August 18, 2010

Here I am again!

The house is fairly quiet now.  I just said goodbye to my sister and her s.o., who are now off to have a short vacation on their own for a few days.  Today I am left with my mom and my nephew. Tomorrow our daughter will be arriving.  I am not sure yet if my husband’s cousin will be staying here tonight.  There is time for a deep breath or two.

Our crazy weekend went well.  It is a good bunch of people. Lots of food, fun playing wild card games, and lots of laughter. I really missed my sister, though. This was the first family gathering since her death-unless you count the funeral….which I don’t. It was a year ago that I last saw her. Her son is here for a few more days.  I am just starting to get him to relax enough to talk a little. His dad went home a couple of days ago.  Just a little while ago, he mentioned that he has thought about going to college where his mom went, a small private college that she loved. So, I suggested that we visit it in the next few days, and he was excited about that.  I am looking forward to that.

We have had to find a new senior living option for my mom near me. Now that my sister from Virginia is gone, she will move to be near me.  We found a place very close to me, and relatively similar to the place she is living now. I have realized how much my sister did for my mom. She was in charge of things for about 2 years, and she never complained. My mom has suddenly become an old woman. It is very hard to see. She is cranky and can’t hear, so she talks loudly in public places, she has a very hard time getting around, and complains loudly about the facilities in public places.  This is not at all how she was. I think she is very depressed, and won’t acknowledge it. Now it will be my responsiblity to make sure her needs are being met.  It will be easier with her close by, but she may drive me crazy if she stays like this.  I hope she feels better once she is settled in a new place. She does not want to be back in Minnesota, and is doing this move only because she has no real choice. Understandable. But hard to handle from my side of things.

I will probably be just like her when I am her age, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.

I feel sorry for my children.



  1. Don’t feel sorry for your children. Just remember all the times they drove you crazy while they were growing up. LOL

    • I remind them on a regular basis of how much they drove me crazy!

  2. All parents feel that way. Cheer up! You sound like a great Mom and Daughter to me! 🙂

    • I’m trying.

  3. You make me laugh ch. I think we all worry at some point about being a burden or bother to our kids. I’ve come to realize it’s not really a burden in their eyes if they’ve had a truly good relationship with you growing up. Noone ever thinks it’s a burden taking care of an elderly parent if there’s lots of love and you’ve been friends besides being family. I think the key to it all is….humor. ~Joy

    • Well, I don’t know—I think my kids might have a little trouble seeing the humorous side of it… daughter told me that if I start to get difficult, she would just remind me that I didn’t want to be too much like my mom. We have had a lot of good laughs here and there. It’s good.

  4. I feel so badly for your nephew – how hard to lose your mother when you are young.

    • You’re right. I think he is going through a lot right now. His dad is meeting his physical needs. I am not sure about the emotional ones. He tends to operate on the theory that if the kid doesn’t talk about it, it must be good. It was good to have him here. He opened up just a little bit.

  5. We are dealing with Nancy’s dad’s declining mental acuity. He repeats the same old stories to you every time we visit as if we have never heard them before… living int he past. Now he is allowing his personal hygiene to degrade and his house is a mess. His days of independent living I think are soon ending.

    • I hope that your dad is able to stay at home as long as possible. I found that my mom’s health has deteriorated more quickly since her move. That may be due to the stroke, but I think the change in location also contributed. It is hard at any time of life to move and be in an unfamiliar environment. Good luck……

  6. A big hug from here. We understand having done all that for our friend Duck. I’m so glad you are willing to help her.

    • Thank you for the hug. It is amazing to me to learn of all the people who are going through this same scenario for family and friends. We need a support group.

  7. It will be difficult, but at least she’ll be living in a facility and not your house, which will alleviate some stress. No matter what, it’s still hard to realize how much the person has changed. I hope you find a good, safe and caring place for her.

    • We are starting out with independent living-a regular apartment. The nice thing is that there is a connected assisted living area. If necessary in the future, she could move into that. I shudder to think how soon that may be. The staff seemed caring, and I have connections with county human services staff who had only good things to report. That’s the best I can do, I think.

  8. I am so pleased your family gathering went well, especially after all your hard work. I do appreciate that it must have been very poignant too: you are clearly being a kind, caring and supportive aunt to your young nephew.

    It sounds as if you hit the nail on the head when you said you thought your mother might be depressed. Hopefully once the move is over and her grief begins to lift a tiny bit, she will feel more like the mother you used to know. But the move from daughter to mothering your mother is so hard: for both parties. Doing one’s best is not difficult if there is some appreciation: but to carry on otherwise is superhuman. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you: and don’t worry about when you are old. I’m confidently expecting to be quietly euthanased by the next generation!

    • Thank you! It was a relief that the reunion pulled off so well. Just a few things that I wished we had been able to finish before everyone arrived, but overall, it was great. I am glad the family enjoys everyone’s company. Even the kids.

  9. At least she will be close to you. Just think how I felt with my mother with Parkinson’s disease living in France. I could not bring her here because she would have had no health insurance. I went to France twice a year, sometimes 3 times to see her and talked to her on the phone all the time. She had a nurse in the morning to help her bathe then a meal on wheel with enough food for 2 meals but she was alone with her cat and I constantly worried about her. She finally went into an assisted living the last two years of her life and she was happy there, near my cousin who visited her often.

    • Yes, I am glad that she will be close. I can’t imagine being so far away, and thinking of her not having any family nearby. I am glad that you were able to get to see your mother at least that often. Talking on the phone does help.

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