Posted by: chlost | November 14, 2010

Five hundred dollars says that Luke Skywalker snores

When my husband and I married over thirty years ago, I will admit that we had already spent a few nights together.

If that shocks anyone out there, please remember that it was the 70’s.

My point is, I should have known what the future held.

But I was in love. I was young. I thought that love conquered all. Maybe it does conquer  a lot of things.

But not snoring.

To say that my husband snores is an understatement of major proportions. His snoring can be heard throughout the house. Our dog, if caught off-guard, will bark and growl if he hears the snoring on another level of the house. I have been awakened many times by the sound of a freight train going through our bedroom. My husband never heard it. Of course, not hearing it, he didn’t believe it-he didn’t snore, I was exaggerating.

However, it soon changed to something more serious. He would not only snore, but would actually stop breathing several times during the night. He would stop breathing, gasping for breath, that I would awaken and shove him in the ribs with my elbow to start him up again. It would happen whether he was lying on his back or side.  He still thought I was making something out of nothing….just a macho thing-men snore, and the louder they snore, the more manly.

Finally, I made him read about the symptoms of sleep apnea. After reading about it, he admitted that he had come close to falling asleep while waiting for traffic lights to change, hadn’t been able to read even short articles due to falling asleep, and he had always napped whenever possible. He began to realize it was serious when the possible consequences included death.

He finally went to have a sleep study. They ended it early, as he had already stopped breathing many more times than normal. He was prescribed a CPAP machine.

We entered a new era of our lives.

If you have never seen one, these machines are a toaster-sized machine which sits to the side of the bed. There are straps which go over and around my husband’s (bald) head. Because he has a beard, there are two small plastic nozzles which are inserted into his nostrils. He is tethered to the machined by a flexible tube.

It would never be described as a sex toy.

This machine pumps air into him constantly. It sounds as though I am sleeping with Darth Vader:  “Luke, (whoosh! whoosh!) I am (whoosh! swoosh!) your father (swoosh! whoosh!)”  Maybe some women would love to sleep with Darth. Not me. (I actually preferred Harrison Ford)

To add to the unpleasantness, there is a small hole which blows air directly into my face all night. There are romance novels which describe a man blowing into a woman’s ear as a prelude to a romantic encounter. Believe me when I tell you, this is not romantic. It is more like sleeping in a wind tunnel.

He has been obsessive about using the machine. It truly has made a difference in his life. He rarely naps. He has not reported falling asleep while waiting at an intersection. He has much more energy. He can tell that it has helped him.

 He is much less cranky (than me).

But someday, I’d like to compare notes with Darth’s wife.







  1. You’re a good wife to still be sharing with him every night!

    • Well, we do what we must. 🙂

  2. Twin beds. Separate bedrooms. I am so sorry. But it’s better to have him alive than dead. 🙂

    • You are right that it is better he is here. I could have nearly smothered him with a pillow several times when kept awake by the snoring.

  3. Yes, I’m shocked that you had premarital sex. Shocked, I tell you. I would never consider such a thing.

    Okay, so I spent last night with a man who snores like a freight train. I bump him with my butt to get him to roll over, but it doesn’t always work. But I’d have some trouble dealing with a C-PAP.

    • Wait-did I say sex?? No, I think I said only that we had spent some nights together!!! 🙂

      • Too late! The secrets out you WILD WOMAN!! 🙂

      • Anyone who knows me would comment on my wildness, I am sure!

  4. Many people report remarkable increase in energy with a CPAP. I did a sleep study as well, due to insomnia. They found I had apnea but I had to abandon the machine, it made my insomnia worse, keeping me awake all night. I guess I don’t snore when I am not asleep.

    But my wife snored horribly – shorty story: she did the sleep study as well and now she is using my machine. Oddly, I get better sleep when she is using it and her snoring is not keeping me awake. Though she does take it off sometimes in the middle of the night. Earplugs are on my night stand.

    But yes… it is one of the un-sexy things about sleeping with someone.

    • I guess at some point sleep trumps sex.

  5. This had me laughing my butt off! I am aware of those machines well, thankfully for not for myself or wife (yet)….. I could just imagine that laying there next to Darth Vader all night might be just as maddening as the snoring. I am one that is actually disturbed by “slight” constant noises more than loud noises during the night. I could sleep in a hotel next to a busy highway with no problem, but will be driven batty all night long if the curtains make a faint fluttering noise….

    CPAP’s not a sex toy eh? 🙂 Priceless!!!!!

    • Hopefully, neither of you will have to have the machine. Although once my husband admits that he has one, he finds that many others do as well. Guess that there are a lot of spouses going through this with me.

      • I told this story to my Dad. My Mom uses a CPAP. He laughed so hard he about fell out of the car! He said “YES!!!! THAT’S IT!!!! DARTH VADER!!!!!” 🙂 I pray that I did not inherit the sleep apnea gene from her. My wife won’t put up with Darth. I am pretty sure she would smother me within the first week.

  6. First of all, LOVE the post title – hilarious!

    I had to laugh at the sleeping with Darth Vader part too (thumbs up to Harrison Ford, BTW).

    My uncle uses one of those machines and my aunt did a sleep study recently, so she may have to get one. Two machines should make life interesting.

  7. […] Not working tonight. The sound of the damn thing is like a wind machine. I’ve told about sleeping with Darth Vader in the […]

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