Posted by: chlost | February 10, 2011

One year

I’m struggling right now. Struggling very hard.

I haven’t written a post for about 2 weeks. This is a very difficult two weeks. I am not sure if I have been avoiding posting, or if I have been saving up for it. In any event, it’s time.

It is the one year anniversary of my sister’s death. Unbelievably, the depth of my grief is more than it was a year ago.

When it happened, the grief was on the surface, raw, overwhelming, almost paralyzing. I cried for days, I was almost unable to function. I had a physical ache in my chest.

Now, one year later, I don’t cry as easily, I don’t have as many crazy thoughts that she may still be alive somewhere, and I don’t have as many dreams with her in them.

But these past few days, it has risen closer to the surface. Last year, on the Wednesday before she died on Friday, I talked to her on the phone. Last night, I was frantically trying to remember our conversation. Did I tell her I loved her? Did we talk about important things? I can’t remember most of the conversation.

My one clear memory is of the phone call when my brother-in-law informed me of her death. The meaning of the term “keening” became quite clear to me. I could only make a high-pitched wailing sound as I was on my knees holding the phone.

I have been trying to keep busy these past several days. I think part of my avoidance of writing a post is that doing so will bring it all back.  I can’t avoid it if I am writing about it. In order to keep busy, our family is gathering at a hotel in the city this weekend. My sister is coming from Chicago, our kids will be joining us, the grandkids will visit, my mom will be there-to be together on the anniversary. Our sister would have been 51 on the 13th, she died last year on the 12th..

Being together seemed like the thing to do.

I’ll be back.

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Responses

  1. Just read your blog. Im sorry about your loss and pray that you may find comfort and healing

  2. I’m so sorry for your grief. I think your family being together will help all of you get through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you…

    • Thank you so much.

  3. I am so glad your family will be there with you as you all go through this terrible anniversary together.

    My sister’s 5th yahrzeit, anniversary of death, will begin tomorrow night at sundown. A yahrzeit candle will burn in our house for 24 hours as we remember her. This year I will also light one for your sister and say a blessing for her memory. I know such a gesture is nothing really, but since your sister sang at synagogue and I met you because of our sisters being forever 49 years and 364 days, it just seems fitting to have candles lit for them side-by-side.

    I am so sorry for your loss, may your sister’s memory be for a blessing and may you find comfort with your family. Sending a virtual hug your way. I am so sorry.

    • I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Thank you so much. She would be so touched and appreciative as well. I believe her synagogue is blessing her memory as well. I will be sharing this with my family and I know they will also thank you for this amazing gift.
      Blessings to your sister’s memory from us. And a big hug to you as well.

  4. It takes courage to present raw pain to an unseen audience. Thank you for having that courage. And you know I wish you all the resilience in the world, when it comes to letting in and holding at bay your grief. Last week was 8 years since my dad’s death, and I was a wreck. I have not been, traditionally, on this anniversary. What’s different this year is that I have a great girlfriend whose cancer is terminal, and I talked to her on the phone, and my love for her triggered my love for my dad, etc.

    Grief is a bitch that way–catches you from the side.

  5. Glad to see you back. I missed you. I know this is a very difficult time, but I’ve followed you and know that you have a lot of strength. This too will pass. Celebrate her life, and live yours well. That is the best way to honor her. Hug your granddaughters.

  6. I haven’t been around much either and I can feel your pain.
    I visited my sister today in the ICU at Methodist Hosp.
    She is dealing with lung cancer among other things..,and each trip to the hospital takes a little more out of her.
    I don’t know how much longer she can handle these trips..this one was a doozy..
    Hang in there and remember the good times with your Sis..that is what I am trying to do..

  7. I an so sorry. I think it’s great that you’re gathering and hopefully it will help ease your pain. All of you are in my prayers.

  8. I’d been checking in from time to time, noticing you hadn’t posted for a while. Many of us share your experiences in similar ways. Nobody will tell you that you are not entitled to your grief.

  9. I am so sorry you are struggling Chlost! You just do what you need to do in order to take of yourself. If that means leaving the blog for awhile, so be it. We totally understand. Take care of yourself first! Sending you a big cyber hug!


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