One year

I’m struggling right now. Struggling very hard.

I haven’t written a post for about 2 weeks. This is a very difficult two weeks. I am not sure if I have been avoiding posting, or if I have been saving up for it. In any event, it’s time.

It is the one year anniversary of my sister’s death. Unbelievably, the depth of my grief is more than it was a year ago.

When it happened, the grief was on the surface, raw, overwhelming, almost paralyzing. I cried for days, I was almost unable to function. I had a physical ache in my chest.

Now, one year later, I don’t cry as easily, I don’t have as many crazy thoughts that she may still be alive somewhere, and I don’t have as many dreams with her in them.

But these past few days, it has risen closer to the surface. Last year, on the Wednesday before she died on Friday, I talked to her on the phone. Last night, I was frantically trying to remember our conversation. Did I tell her I loved her? Did we talk about important things? I can’t remember most of the conversation.

My one clear memory is of the phone call when my brother-in-law informed me of her death. The meaning of the term “keening” became quite clear to me. I could only make a high-pitched wailing sound as I was on my knees holding the phone.

I have been trying to keep busy these past several days. I think part of my avoidance of writing a post is that doing so will bring it all back.  I can’t avoid it if I am writing about it. In order to keep busy, our family is gathering at a hotel in the city this weekend. My sister is coming from Chicago, our kids will be joining us, the grandkids will visit, my mom will be there-to be together on the anniversary. Our sister would have been 51 on the 13th, she died last year on the 12th..

Being together seemed like the thing to do.

I’ll be back.

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