Posted by: chlost | November 13, 2011

It’s going to be a long two weeks

Downstairs, there is a small box sitting on the bureau in the entry hall. It is about the size of box of kleenex.  It is very heavy for its size.

The weight of that box is pressing down on me although I am in an upstairs office.

It contains my sister’s ashes.

Ever since this box was delivered by the post office yesterday, I have felt as though it is difficult to breathe. I am having a hard time doing much of anything. I took a nap. That is very rare for me. It is as though I needed to shut out everything around me.

My son and daughter-in-law were here yesterday and they stayed overnight with the grandchildren. It was good to have a distraction. But there was a little part of me sitting in front of that bureau, just looking at the box. After all of them left today, the full weight of it hit me head on.

It is difficult for me to figure out why this is so hard for me. She died nearly two years ago. I have been doing pretty well lately. I have wanted to have her ashes buried, or at least dealt with in some way. Logically, this would be a good step toward resolving that. My father’s ashes were at our home for several weeks awaiting the internment. That did not affect me like this. It will be two weeks until my sister’s ashes are interred.

I have run through all of the memories and tears over the past two years. There don’t seem to be any left.  I am not interested in going through them again. In fact, I do not feel like crying. Actually, I don’t feel much of any emotion.  It is just a heavy, dull, weight. It feels difficult to move, to breathe, to feel anything.

I know what the saying “a heavy heart” means now.

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Responses

  1. I’m trying to think of some warm and comforting thing to say…there isn’t any that are not trite.
    I’m sending good thoughts your way and hoping you’ll feel better soon. Sometimes we just to to wallow a bit.

    • Thank you. I am definitely in wallowing mode right now.

  2. Ugh. Feeling flat and empty and vaguely dark–sort of too full of emotion to feel any emotion–is just hard. Ugh.

    • Now I think the emotions are starting to rise up again. Not sure if that is good or bad.

  3. I am so sorry you are in such pain. Perhaps when action is taked, you will feel some relief.
    Unfortunately grief has no expiration date. Sending hugs and good thoughts.

    • Thanks for the good thoughts. All appreciated.

  4. Feeling for you..

    • Thanks. Glad you visited.

  5. Oh dear. I think that sometimes things aren’t “real” to us until we have some physical proof of them … that on some level there is hope that what we know logically may not be true. I wish that there were something I could say beyond “I’m so sorry for your loss” but past that, I don’t think there is anything that would be even remotely adequate. I wish for you that you can finally be at peace with your sister’s passing. Know that who she was at her core still exists and that you two will be together again some day. *hugs*

    • There is a lot to that reality theory. Seeing that box there……wham! I can’t pretend any more. Thanks for your support.

  6. It may also be that the drama around her ashes feels like a burden over your sister, whom you would have liked to be the real focal point. Regardless, you must be exhausted. I’m very sorry. I hope this particular weight lifts soon.

    • You have a good point about the drama. I do not like drama. I just need this to be done. thank you for your support.


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