Posted by: chlost | December 31, 2011

In which I decide that one should not wait for life to whack you a third time-

New year. New perspective. New outlook.

Changes.

It has been a long time since I posted. It has been a long time since I have kept up with everyone else’s postings. There are reasons for this, including the fact that my computer has caught a virus. I haven’t been able to figure out what to do about that, and those in my life who might be helpful are busy.

That’s not the only reason.

I did get the new job. I will officially begin on Wednesday the 4th. I have mixed feelings about it.

What it has meant is that I have treated this holiday season as a vacation, more or less. I have done very little. I put everything together for Christmas. I cleaned everything up from Christmas. I have taken my mom to doctor appointments. I met friends for lunch. Other than just a short time with work, I have done nothing. My computer isn’t working, you see. I cannot do work on Husband’s computer. I have kept up with emails and checked facebook once in a while. Otherwise, I have read books, went to a movie with my mom, and napped a bit.

I have also spent quite a bit of time just THINKING.

Even when I have not consciously realized that I was thinking, I believe that I’ve been thinking subconsciously.

Today, New Year’s Eve day, I believe that I have come to some conclusions……about my life.

Perhaps it has been the post-holiday letdown, but I have come to realize how I am not living my life happily.

About three years ago, I was in the hospital and had an allergic reaction to morphine. I coded-meaning that I completely stopped breathing and the nurse had to call a “code blue” for doctors to rush to revive me.ย  After I “died” and was resuscitated, I had made a promise to myself to live my life, rather that just go along in my life. Then, my sister died very suddenly and at a relatively young age. Iย  again told myself that she would want me to live my life, not just slide through, wasting whatever time that I may have left. I felt determined to live my life to the fullest.

After two whacks on the head, you would think that I would have taken it seriously.

But I have not made any real changes in my life. I have been just moving through life; and I have not been particularly happy. I certainly have not lived my life to the fullest.

Then a friend posted a saying on his blog which he titled “A Reminder About Life”. This is something that I’ve seen before, and which I have claimed to have agreed with-but have not followed. I think that seeing this got my brain working on the changes I need to make in order to live my life as I hope to live what is left of it. Happily. Fully. With passion.

I don’t feel comfortable in getting into details here, but let me just say that there are large areas of my life which have left me particularly unhappy. I don’t believe that anyone who is close to me realizes to what extent. I don’t think even I have acknowledged to myself to what extent. Until today. It feels almost as though a long dreary gray sky has cleared.

No more. I am going to take steps to understand what I have been doing, and how to take steps to make the needed changes. I hope to find help in becoming brave enough to do the hard work that will be necessary to make huge changes in my life at this age.ย  Will an old dog learn new tricks?

There was a time several years ago when I was nearly ready to do this, but never followed through. Today I have felt so much more resolute. I am disappointed that due to the holiday weekend, I cannot take action for a few days. I only hope that I am still convinced that I must go forward by the time I can actually do something concrete.

It may be some time before I get back on track with this blog. My computer is going to be out of commission for quite a while apparently, and I will be quite busy with the new job duties. But I will try to get back to everyone as soon as possible. I need your friendship and support.

Especially now……as we enter this new year and I hopefully move into a new version of my life.

Happy New Year!

2012 should be interesting, as we say around here.

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Responses

  1. I wish you nothing but all the best as you begin this next journey. That short post really hit home for me as well when I stumbled upon it for the second time. I missed the mark on a lot of personal goals that I set for myself when I first posted that bit last year. Your brave determination to make some changes in order to take care of yourself has spurred me to honestly try to do the same. Just know your not alone Chlost. There are a bunch of us that are always here to support you as you begin this new journey. You do what you need to do in order to take care of YOU. That is the most important thing. Huge hugs to you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Wondered where you have been! Congrats on the new job. Love your plan. If it works, let me know — I could use some positive changes in my life, too.

    May I recommend Avast Anti-Virus? I used the free version for years and finally bought it — it’s not very expensive. It’s kept me up and running for years!!!

    Don’t forget to pop in now and then. We’ll miss you and worry if you don’t!

    Take care and Happy New Year!!!!

  3. My computer has been out of action too, I am so pleased i managed to get back online today to read this post. Good luck with what you need to do: I am on the same path, but probably with different goals. Anytime you feel like like an email chat just drop me a line, but I don’t want to pry. Support always on offer around here:)

  4. Happy New Year to you! Good luck with the job and I hope your computer gets well soon! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I wish you nothing less than success with all your endeavors! May 2012 bring many happy returns!

  5. A near death and experience and the loss of a sister, both huge thing to deal with. Be kind to you, maybe being sort of ‘stuck’ in one way of being served a purpose and only now is it time to be in a different way of being….
    Yes, old dogs can learn and love new tricks.

  6. Congrats (I think) on the new job! And whatever you do, I hope that you can get to where you want/need to be. I know I have so many things I want to do and that silly “life as an adult” stuff keeps getting in the way! If you figure out how to manipulate time, do let me know. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    In the meantime, have a wonderful New Year! *hugs*

  7. Hope your new directions take you on a fullfilling path. It is never too late to change and learn. Wishing you all the best.

  8. I wish you courage. And stunning success. Please take the time to write about the course of this effort as you go, for I shall be going to school on it.

  9. This is an incredibly brave post. You have much in front of you now, eh? I wish you all the courage and steadfast resolution in the world. Make those changes, no matter the upheaval or pain they cause in the short term. You seem ready to stop coasting and take charge. I am full of admiration.

    If I can ever do anything for you, to help you in this process, please tell me.

  10. I think the first step on any path is the honest awareness that what we have been doing in the past isn’t making our life what we want it to be and the decision to move forward in a new way. You are doing that right now, and you are to be applauded. Stay focused and know that you are far stronger and far more resilient than you believe yourself to be. Transformation is seeing the same thing we have always seen, but through new eyes. All the best to you on your path.

  11. A very honest post, and I am hoping for all the best for you as you embark on the changes you feel you need to make.

  12. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of a groove that we’re used to, even when we want to change. My prayers are with you that you have the strength to do what you need to in order to get your life on a happier track.

    Good luck on the new job!

  13. I too have been absent a lot form my blog and some of your comments hit home..losing my younger sister last spring took some of the air out of my balloon..since then I have also lost some friends..it doesn’t make for happy blogging ..I kind of read between the lines here and will be interested to see if my thoughts are right..what ever it si..follow your instincts..life is way to short..
    I am going to bury my self this nest year into some important campaigns..I don’t want to see the wing nuts take over this country and have to watch the middle class disappear..Hang in there..I tyhink yuou have my email address if you ever want to vent ..GiGi

  14. Happy New Year, Chlost. I wish you the best of luck. It’s easy to agree with taking charge of our lives, but doing it is not simple or easy or without pain. Maybe now is the right time for you. I hope your journey’s going well so far. Oh, and congratulations on the new job (or not, I’m flexible)!

  15. I hope you will be happy in your new position and will not get stressed. It is good that you have decided to make some changes so you will become a happier person โ€“ it is very important for your health too. I wish you a very prosperous and happy 2012.

  16. Very good stuff. Sometimes it’s really hard to keep the changes going, but it is all worth it. Hugs.

  17. Good luck!!!! Hoping 2012 is a wonderful year.


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