Posted by: chlost | May 31, 2012

Insomniatic Ramblings

It’s 2:30 am.

I can’t sleep.

I have been lying awake for 2 hours. I slept for 2 hours, awakened, and have not been able to go back to sleep.

This is something that I have struggled with off and on for years. Recently, I thought I had it beat. There was a period of several weeks that I slept right through the night, or if I woke up I fell right back to sleep.

Not tonight.

My brain will not turn off, no matter how I try. Believe me, I have been trying.

I’ve been trying to picture myself in a relaxing place, that usually works in falling asleep. But the relaxing beach must be closed. I just can’t find it tonight.

I sit up. That usually helps. Nope. I lie back down. Fluff the pillow. Turn over. Turn the other way. Feet out of the covers. Covers off. Sit up. Repeat.

Nope. Still awake.

My knee hurts. Bend it one way. Straighten it out. Bend it half-way. Still hurting.

Merle’s cpap has been blowing on me. I hate having things blowing on me. Usually I can turn my back to him and hide under the covers. Not working tonight. The sound of the damn thing is like a wind machine. I’ve told about sleeping with Darth Vader in the past.

The dog is lying on the bed. He must feel cold. It has been cold the past few nights. Shove him farther down the bed toward the feet. He makes a little noise, but he moves. He is asleep again right away. I however, am not.

I have a case on my mind. A young woman whose life situation is so horrible that it has been tearing me up. I am not sure why I think that I know more than all of the other people involved in her case, but I do. They are all idiots. It appears to have become my responsibility to save her. I have to make a presentation on her case tomorrow to try to convince others that I am right and all of those others are wrong well-meaning but misguided. See, I didn’t say they were idiots…..that is how far I have come in my mind as I have been lying awake. I tell myself I can’t do anything more about this tonight. I know what I will say tomorrow, I have it planned out in my mind. Now I should sleep, I tell myself. Myself is still not listening.

When this happens to me, my mind just goes on a linear rampage…..thoughts move from one thing to another with no obvious relation between these things. I have been mulling over (and over) my garden, reviewing my plans for an upcoming weekend with the granddaughters, imagining the details of an upcoming medical procedure, replaying a scenario from work today, considering a situation Merle told me about earlier tonight, looking forward to a “girls’ weekend” that I am trying to plan with some friends, picturing my calendar for the next week (I actually see a picture in my mind of a calendar, with items written on each day), reminding myself to make an appointment for the dog groomer, reminding myself of some bills that need to be paid, phone calls that need to be made tomorrow, rereading in my mind a letter that was sent by a cousin (yes, I see the letter in my mind and read it again), wondering how far daughter and future sil have made it in their car trip/move across half the country,  and planning what I should wear tomorrow (it is down to two possibilities).

That summarizes my thoughts in the first 5 minutes of lying awake.

After two hours, I finally gave up and came in to check the computer. I am sitting here, dog at my feet (oh my, he ate something today that did not agree with him….no wonder he wants to sleep all cuddled up with us. Can a smell keep you awake?) and trying to write myself tired. It is not working. I am still wide awake.

Those who will read this are most likely sleeping right now. Or, those whose tomorrow is already in process slept well while I was working yesterday. When I think about sleep, my thoughts are rather objective.

It is rather odd, really, that we sleep. Every day, no matter what animal species, we all sleep in some manner. We stop everything, find an appropriate spot, and sleep. We humans have built rather elaborate places for sleep, almost altars to show our reverence for sleep. I have such a place. I love sleep. Really.

And yet, I can’t sleep.

It is now nearly 3:30 am.

Wow, I am going to be so tired in the morning.

 

 

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Responses

  1. I’m right there with ya hun (actually I’m a few hours behind you, but you know what I mean), It’s now 2:30 hear and I’ve been telling myself to get to bed for over an hour. Think I’ll go take some kava and passion flower and see if that helps. Hope you at least got a couple of hours of restful sleep. *hugs*

  2. Same here! Must be the moon or something. I managed to stay asleep ’til 3:30. We will all need a nap today, but it looks bad if I fall asleep at my desk especially with the phone ringing.

  3. I feel your pain. I’ve been suffering insomnia for years. If it weren’t for blogging, I’d go crazy.

  4. Someone gave me a tip to help with sleeping recently. Think of a topic, e.g. vegetables. Then, go through the alphabet trying to think of vegetables beginning with that letter. So you might have alfalfa, broad beans, carrots…Other topics could be movies, actors, colours etc. It actually really helps. Good luck!

  5. I absolutely loathe nights like that, and they happen more frequently than I like to admit. It’s crazy-making.

  6. It is 4:13am, having awakened and not been able to return to sleep. How appropriate that I should find your blog and this posting (by way of Ronni Bennett’s Time Goes By)
    BTW: Having the benefit of your latest posting that identifies your “medical procedure”, that would be (was, about 12 years ago) enough to keep anyone awake!

    • Always glad to meet another TGB reader. Thanks for visiting! And, believe me, I know what it is like to be awake at 4 am.

  7. Let’s try that with more appropriate construction and punctuation. (I’m perking on only two cylinders!)

    It is 4:13am. Having awakened and not having been able to return to sleep, it is appropriate that I should find your blog (by way of Ronni Bennett’s Time Goes By) and this posting at this time.
    BTW: Having the benefit of your latest posting that identifies your “medical procedure”, I feel that that would be enough (it was, for me, about 12 years ago) to keep one awake!

    • I thought the first time was just fine! 🙂

  8. Hi, I’m new to your site, so have been reading some of your older posts. This ‘sleep problem’ seems to affect an awful lot of people. I can think of at least 6 that I know of… and they are not all ‘over the hill’… although I’m learning that apparently this is one of the probs of aging. Does anyone know why this is? So far I sleep fine… most of the time… but do have that occasional ‘wake up at 3’ night. Thank god for blogging… and hot tea!

  9. […] Insomniatic Ramblings (alwaysinthebackrow.wordpress.com) Tweet This entry was posted in Thoughts and tagged dreams by w7. Bookmark the permalink. […]


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